Entry #11: Exiting the Transactional Universe
Dear Spiritual Journal,
This morning I dreamed, I saw you again, but you did not remember me.
Are we empty shells? Transparent flares of light, flickering, then so quickly extinguished?
What do I do now, what do I really know, now that my mother on this earth has died?
I am too fragile a beast for this world. Each day is a struggle, and reality is relentless.
The non-dual inquiry for a universal truth (vichara) is surely a joke, a confusion, a grand idea delivered with confidence, an outdated solution to the riddle of life, studied by ancients who were themselves deceived.
Were they so much stronger, these heroes, and I am the Zero? The overwhelming duality of modern life appears impossible to defeat.
Mom gave me intellect and moral judgement.
She gave me a place to have fun, with room to fly or fall.
Once I accepted those imprints, they are hard to leave!
I got stuck with this pain and cannot shake it.
There is no shaking it, but I try, and moan, and groan.
Yes, this heart is broken, many times over.
She was a trooper, a ball of energy, ready to go at all times.
She would want us to get on with life, that much I know.
Wipe away those tears, boy,
We're going in; into the eye of the sun.
We're all going in, one way or the other.
Like it or not, I am stuck with love, or whatever this pain is called.
Following the flow of that, the pain in this body; and
Into the sky, where it dissolves.